John's Drug Rehab Treatment

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John's Drug Rehab Treatment

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John has written an account of his journey into our Drug Rehab Treatment Centre in Luton. He didn't give the piece of work a title, but I think it should be called 'Those Bloody Geese'.

He writes - I heard the Geese flying home this morning, and I felt grateful. It wasn't always like that.

I remember the sounds of the birds early in the morning, I don't know what kinds of birds they were; but I hated the sound of those bloody birds! Yes they had allot to answer for. Their incessant chatter meant that it was at least 3 to 4 hours before I could get any relief from this ache inside, the dealers were all sleeping, the off license was closed. I had to sit, sweat, retch and panic for ages, while they sang happily being alive, awakening. Awake! what was good about that? Obviously their tiny brains would never realize my pain. My problem was I had to feel better, my solution was, I had to score. If I could sort myself out, then maybe I would sing with them, but I never did and they kept on singing, without me. The noise in my head was matching the birds, my heart pounded, all painfully reminding me how bad I felt, and how much I hated those bloody birds.

To say mornings were not good was like saying that breathing was a waste of time! I had to do it: but didn't want to, and hated the fact. My drug using was exactly the same, every day the same monotonous routine of feeling sick, being terrified of worse to come, moments of relative peace, then inevitably my head competing with, and despising the sound of those birds! It seemed to me, that the longer I could stay sleeping, the less I would suffer running around with people that I hated., to rob people that hated me, just to end up where I always did, sick, awake and angry at those bloody birds!

Eventually, after spending 25 years trying and failing to find peace, I found a heavy enough combination of heroin, methadone, sleeping tablets and alcohol which allowed me to block out the birds, and for a while I slept. I slept through my son growing and struggling, both my parents and little brother dieing, nearly losing a leg, 2 comas, I woke and simply realised: I can't do this anymore!! that was the day I knew I needed help. So on the 19th August I stumbled through the doors of TTP Drug Rehab Treatment Centre, dreading what was to come, knowing it was 25 years overdue.

I peered out through aching eyes at a group of people in a circle, they peered back; and they smiled. With shaking hands I signed up and knew through my fear, I was in the right place. (Next door there's a funeral parlour... apt!). My Detox was a breeze, though for those how patiently held me through that time, I was more like a hurricane. I was manic, never knowing where I was, talking at anyone who would listen, and ready to change the world! When finally my detox was over, I began to trust my peers and counsellor enough to see that something needed to change that something, was in fact me.

Putting down the opiates , and the booze was painful, but I was willing whole heartedly to do it! So I became clean and sober, then a little more sober, and then the work began. At times it was only the acre an guidance from my peers and staff that helped me through a long hard look at myself. I've worked through the barriers I built, cried in process, learned to trust, to be honest, to be open minded, to take one day at a time, and be willing to change.

So i'm grateful today, my life has become something I want to wake up to, I'm grateful I have a sponsor to work through the twelve steps, and i'm grateful I heard the geese this morning, cos like me they are coming home from a dark place. it's so much better than hearing my head blaming those bloody birds.

Drug and Alcohol Treatment

If you know someone that need drug and alcohol treatment, call one of our counsellors in confidence on 0207 060 2862 .

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